Chapter 160 - Happiness is in Slumber

I’m having a dream.

It’s a familiar dream.

When you see it every day like this, it’s easy to realize that it’s a dream, but I still keep seeing this memory over and over again.

Those were the happy days.

A dream of those days that I can no longer get back.

Of course, I had some frustration and anxiety, but I was still filled with a sense of happiness that seemed to overflow from my body every day.

I had someone to love, and my children to love.

They were within my reach if I wanted them to be.

The older one was a good, honest child who was willful and mischievous, but very considerate.

The younger one was lonely and spoiled, but very smart and good.

That person was dependable, clumsy, and very loving.

My precious, precious family members were always there for me.

If only I could be immersed in these happy, nostalgic, and lonely memories, I could sleep forever.

But even that is not possible for me.

It always starts with that night.

Between the crumbling buildings.

In the corner of a desolate park, the man from my youth looks down at me, holding the ‘old’ me.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah. Thank you…”

There’s the younger, more human version of me, staring at his face with admiration.

That was our first encounter.

It was on that night that we met that I grabbed the tail of happiness. I’ll never forget it.

Eventually, the scene changes, and there’s a bloody man holding my shoulder.

“Tell me to help you! I’ll do anything for you!”

My beloved riddled in wounds, who protected me.

“Hic… h-help… help me!”

With tears streaming down my face, I was protected by his chest.

That night, I became aware of this feeling, and it became a definite thing.

My prince, who not only scooped me up from my deepest despair, but also led me to the light.

No matter how many years pass, this feeling will never fade away. In fact, the more time passes, the stronger and heavier it becomes.

Kouhei-kun… Kouhei-kun, Kouhei-kun!

Kouhei-kun!

With a cry that will never be heard, the ‘current’ me, who is not supposed to be there, reaches out to you.

My fingertips turned mercilessly to haze, and the memories of us faded into the distance.

Ah, I still can’t reach you.

I don’t even know how many times I’ve done the same thing, but I keep asking for that person.

Even if it’s a false image of a memory drawn in my unconscious, if Kouhei-kun is right in front of me, I’m sure I’ll continue to seek him.

I want to see him.

I want to see you and touch you… Kouhei-kun.

Eventually, the scene changed, and I found myself in a room with a bright white light.

This is a delivery room.

The only people there were me, Kouhei-kun holding my hand tightly, the nurses, and the doctor.

I was covered in sweat, tears, and snot, screaming in anguish, while a pale Kouhei-kun kept encouraging me.

Eventually, my voice echoed loudly in the room, and Kouhei-kun, hearing it, looked at the doctor with more blood lust.

You’re a worrier, you’re being unreasonable.

Eventually, we heard the voice we had been waiting for.

“Fuya! Nyaaaaaaahhhh!”

With an energetic cry, my treasure was born into the world.

He looked like a bright red monkey, but he was a very cute little boy.

I cried as he squeezed my hand, opened his mouth wide, and tried his best to call out for me.

When the doctor handed my son to Kouhei, he hurriedly and sacredly held him to his chest and cried without fear of being seen.

I try to keep my consciousness together and watch the scene closely, trying to catch my breath.

“Ah… it’s our baby. It’s yours and mine. I can’t believe it. Oh, damn. It’s so cute…”

“Haa… haa… you’re crying too much!”

I was also very emotional, but I think I was defeated by Kouhei-kun.

“Look, it’s your mother.”

“Fuyaaaah!”

Kouhei-san then gently placed the child in my hands.

I put my arms around its small back and felt his weight on my chest.

I lightly kissed his head, which was trembling and crying, and gently placed my cheek on him.

“It’s mom, you know?”

“Hyaaaaah!”

The sound of his voice echoing in my ear was so pleasant that I could listen to it for a long time, at least for us.

Kouhei had already decided on a name for the baby. He had been calling him that name since he was in his belly, and it was a name that he was so familiar with that he sometimes responded to it by kicking my belly.

But this was the first time I called him face to face, wasn’t it?

“Happy Birthday… Kunpei.”

“Funyah.”

Kunpei’s crying stopped for a moment as he let out a cute, nasally voice.

Kouhei and I looked at each other, and we laughed through our tears.

I’m sure that Kouhei and I were both thinking the same thing at that moment.

I was sure that my husband and I were meant to meet this child. That’s what I was convinced of.

Kunpei.

A kind and strong big brother.

The first treasure that grew up in my belly.

Ahh. How nostalgic.

And how adorable.

When I reached out to touch that little life, it moved away from me at an incredible speed.

There it is again.

This dream is my dream, but it always makes me sad.

I felt a twinge in the back of my throat and my eyes were burning.

I want to hug him.

I want to feel that soft body, that warmth, if only for a second!

Wait. Please don’t go.

Please, just a little longer.

Such thoughts were futile, and the scene of that day was already far away.

I closed my eyes tightly and held it in.

Don’t cry.

Even in a dream, if I cried, my heart would break.

The things you’ve been suppressing will come pouring out.

“Look Kunpei, this is your brother.

“My brother? This kid?”

I immediately opened my eyes.

Oh, this scene too.

It’s something I’ve been longing for.

“That’s right. Kunpei’s younger brother. His name is Shouhei.”

As I nursed the baby in the hospital bed, I held another precious treasure in my arms.

A new life, born a little smaller.

He was so weak that I was worried about how fast he would drink his mother’s milk, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him at any time.

Kouhei-kun, standing next to me, smiles and watched over us.

What a show-off, even though he was just crying earlier.

“Shouhei.”

“Yes. Here, Kunpei. Would you like to touch him?”

The older brother, who was staring at his younger brother, started to move at the sound of my voice.

He fearfully reached out his hand to the cheek where he was quietly drinking his mother’s milk.

His small fingers sank softly into his plump cheeks, and he let out a loud gasp.

Slowly releasing his hand, he places his fingers on the loosely opened palm of his hand, which resembled an autumn leaf.

“Ah!”

The little brother squeezed his fingers tightly.

The startled look on his face was quickly followed by a full-blown grin on his brother’s face.

“Heh, heh, heh. Dad, Shouhei nibbled.”

“Ah, he’s greeting you.”

“Yeah.”

Kouhei stroked Kunpei’s stiff hair, which made him so happy that his face turned bright red.

He has his father’s hair.

When you look at them like this, they really do look alike.

Although it hadn’t fully grown out at that time, Shouhei’s hair had the same color and texture as mine.

Such small discoveries were also a great joy.

“Hey, Shouhei. Let’s play together in a little while, okay? What do you want to do? Play tag? Hide and seek? Let’s play baseball or soccer, too.”

You’re a hasty older brother, aren’t you?

When he’s a little older, okay?

I’m sure I’ve seen it over and over again, but I still feel like I’m there.

Even though I can’t reach out and touch you.

I’m not the same as I was then.

I clasped my hands tightly in front of my chest.

I bit my trembling lips hard. Even the blink of an eye becomes regrettable.

Because I’m afraid of missing it, even though I remember everything.

“Ah!”

“Oh, Dad!”

When he saw Shouhei’s still-open eyes relax, Kunpei happily reported to Kouhei-kun.

When Kouhei nodded with a gentle smile, the view of the hospital room suddenly became distant.

It became smaller and smaller, as if it was being sucked into the blackness.

A single light completely disappeared, and the surroundings became pitch black.

I looked around.

A series of faint square windows appeared, each one reflecting the scenery.

The service area when the family of four went for a drive together for the first time. Unlike Kouhei, who was afraid of driving, both Kunpei and Shouhei were very happy, weren’t they?

When we went swimming during our summer vacation, Kunpei pulled Shouhei’s hand while he was wearing a floatation ring, and Kouhei held him while they swam.

The zoo. Kunpei, excited by the eagle, held Shouhei and showed him the inside of the cage.

One hot summer day, Kunpei was helping me fold the laundry, while I was holding Shouhei in my arms and sitting by the fan.

When Kouhei came home from work, Kunpei ran up to him, and Shouhei, still unsteady on his feet, hobbled after him. When I followed him, wiping my hands on my apron, I saw Kouhei holding Kunpei in his arms and reaching for Shouhei.

Shouhei and I were cheering for Kouhei as he ran with Kunpei at the elementary school field day.

Kouhei was taking pictures of Kunpei dancing shyly under Shouhei’s gaze at the school arts festival, and I was struggling to hold back my laughter.

The Milky Way, which our family stayed up late to see.

A father and his sons sleeping side by side at a rest stop in a little-known vacation spot.

No one could ski, so we ended up making a snowman.

When we went camping, Kouhei was more excited than the kids, and it was hard work.

When we all went to the office to deliver lunches, Kunpei saw Kouhei working and said how cool he was.

Shouhei’s fourth birthday. Shouhei tried his best to blow on the four candles on the cake, but they wouldn’t go out, so Kunpei secretly helped him.

On Father’s Day, Kunpei drew a pretty good portrait of him, and we were both impressed by how well he was watching us even though he was a little boy.

On Mother’s Day, the two children gave me a lavender flower as a present. I actually knew that Kouhei had been preparing it in secret.

We went to an amusement park on our wedding anniversary. When I kissed him in front of the kids, he turned red and embarrassed, and I thought he was cute no matter how old he was. But I know he’s even cooler than that.

I was very grateful to him for all the hard work he put in every day.

I tried my best to be a proud wife to Kouhei-kun and a proud mother to Kunpei and Shouhei. In the end, it turned out like this.

We were not wealthy and life was not easy.

But I was happy.

I loved the moment when I waited with my children for your return.

I really loved those times when I was laying on the pillow with you, watching the children sleep.

The days I saw you off with the kids, or the days we decided to sleep in together on a day off and fell asleep.

Ever since the day I met you, I’ve been so happy every day.

The small windows of memories around me are disappearing one by one.

All of them are my memories.

Memories of that day that will never fade away.

I’m still their mother.

As long as I can reflect on this happiness, I can be Kazamachi Kaori forever.

Yes, no matter what my appearance is.

“…tama! Hilde….tama!”

I hear voices.

Oh, I have to get up now.

Anmira is a very serious girl.

She’s probably trying to wake me up on time, just like I asked her to.

All the small windows of my memories are already closed.

I looked around to see if there was even one left, but I couldn’t find one.

“Hildegarde Tama ! It’s time! Please wake up!”

Yes, Anne.

I’m getting up.

“Mommy!”

“Mom!”

“Kaori!”

The voices of my family, imbued with memories, call out to me.

But I know.

This is the reverberation of my unfulfilled desire to imitate their voices.

The last resistance of the unworthy, weak part of me.

“I’m going… okay? I have to work hard.”

I smiled back at the voices and close my eyes.

I admit that I’m not ready. I’m weak.

But more than that, I am strong.

I am proud to continue to protect this world where those children and Kouhei-kun are living.

It’s my pride to continue to protect them.

Don’t look down on your mother, okay?

“Please wake up! Hildegarde Tama! Hildegarde Tama!”

It was time to wake up from my dream.

I was Kazamachi Kaori, and now I’m going back to Hildegarde.

I woke up in an isolated world.

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The world where I live, where I am not allowed to grow old.

It is an unreasonable world that no one is allowed to enter, and no one is allowed to leave.

The milky white sky and the few remaining greens.

This is the prison I’m trapped in.