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Chapter 1.1
VOLUME 5
Chapter 1 – If you reach the climax at the start, it’ll be even worse at the end
Part I
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The spacious floor was littered with bookcases and filled with the muted sound of rustling paper.
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“
”
An overwhelming number of shelves, each and every one large and intimidating.
Each one was crammed not with light novels or comics, but plain and solemn book bindings.
“
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“
Erm, Utaha-senpai
”
“Yes, Ethics-kun? I wish you would keep your talking to a minimum while I’m reading.”
“Ah, yeah. About that.”
Tired of the oppressive atmosphere, I finally spoke to the absorbed bookworm for the first time in an hour.
“Utaha-senpai, how long are you planning to stay here?”
“Hmm, I suppose we can leave as soon as I finish all 68 volumes of 「Ryotaro Shiba’s Complete Literary Collection」.”1
“
That’s a joke, right, senpai?”
“
Fine. At least let me finish the first volume.”
“I wish you wouldn’t make these types of half-believable jokes, senpai!”
I uncharacteristically lost my temper as I realized how Utaha-senpai had led me completely by the nose.
“Hmm, I do think I can finish if I try my best though. It’d be so much easier if they didn’t insist on closing at eleven.”
“Senpai, you do realize this is a bookstore, not a library, right?”
Ah, Utaha-senpai.
She had rushed in as soon as the doors opened and spent the better part of two hours in the literature section on the third floor of Ikebukuro’s JU*KUDO2 reading—but not buying—a single book.
In that span of time I had managed to browse all the available book titles several times, explore all the other floors, and grab breakfast at the cafĂ© – all in an effort to waste time as I waited for that girl to come back to earth.
It was too much to ask for. I gave up. I had used every ounce of patience I could muster.
“But if that were the case, I don’t think they would paste ‘Use me and read!’ on all the chairs, Ethics-kun.”
These large bookstore chains must hold themselves to some really high service standards to be willing victims of this monster of a customer.
“
You should at least take a break once in a while, senpai. It’s almost lunchtime.”
“Sigh. I guess you leave me no choice to purchase this book, Ethics-kun.”
“I wish you had just done that from the start, senpai.”
Thus began a Saturday in the middle of autumn.
We had planned to spend the day strolling around the district
 but so far we hadn’t managed to explore more than one place.
“Come on, Ethics-kun. Let’s go.”
“Ahh, hold on a minute!”
“Tsk. You’re the one who insisted on paying and doing the heavy lifting, but you’ve already failed at both, Ethics-kun.”
“Well, I wasn’t expecting you to go for five really heavy and really expensive hardcover books right off the bat.”
“Whose fault is it that I’m always too busy to read?”
We were here on this da- I mean, shopping trip because I promised Utaha-senpai that she could have anything she wanted after completing the scenario yesterday.
“Well, I couldn’t buy you the entire Literary Collection, but I can treat you to lunch. Within my means as a high-schooler of course.”
“Sure, and I’ll also let you pamper me with that high-schooler’s stamina of yours too.”
“We’re strictly talking about carrying things, right?!”
As you can see, she’s an author who thrives on ambiguity.
*          *          *
“I’m sorry for making you wait, Eriri.”
“You’re late, Megumi!”
“Well, I was still in my pajamas half an hour ago when I suddenly received a message to come to JU*KUDO, so think I already did my best.”
“Well I don’t care! And because you were five minutes late they’ve already left!”
“’They’?”
“I can’t believe it! It was that Kasumigaoka Utaha and-“
“Ah, I get it. Say no more.”
“
Why do I get the feeling you’re hiding something from me?”
“That’s just your imagination. So where did the two of them end up going?”
“Why’d you think I called you here for?”
“I think you just roped me into something really troublesome, right, Eriri?”
*          *          *
We eventually ate lunch at an Italian restaurant crowded with couples, male- and female-only groups and even entire families.
I’m sure their main selling point must have been the cutting edge of providing something for anyone and everyone.
“Thanks for the meal, Ethics-kun.”
“It was nothing.”
“Oh, no need to be so humble, Ethics-kun. That was extremely satisfying. And the potatoes were especially delectable, if I might add.”
“Thanks for being so understanding, senpai. Honestly, it’d be a bit troublesome if we didn’t come to this pizza place
”
“You’re surprisingly image-conscious, Ethics-kun.”
“Well I have to, or at the rate things are going I’ll go bankrupt!”
And so, the thirty minutes at Sha**y’s3 a complete loss, we once again returned to the streets of Ikebukuro.
“Well, I can’t help it, Ethics-kun. Moreso than food or sex, I thirst for knowledge.”
“And I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that middle part.”
What irked her was not my choice of restaurant or even the quality of the food, but the fact that we had even stopped for lunch at all.
When the pizza I ordered finally came, Utaha-senpai first signaled that she didn’t want to get her hands dirty without even glancing at me.
Then in complete defiance of all the commotion in the restaurant, she proceeded to flip open the book we had just bought and was once again immersed in no time at all.
And finally to top it all off with extraordinary tactlessness, she ate only the wedges on the side with, of all things, a pair of chopsticks.
“
So, senpai, where to next?”
“Hmm, I don’t mind as long as it’s a place that’s not too cold and quiet enough for me to read in peace.”
“You know senpai, I’m getting real sick of you treating me like I don’t exist!”
I’m going to die if I let this continue.
While I think I’ve done my best to satisfy Utaha-senpai’s unreasonable demands thus far, apparently that’s still not enough to compete against the power of Shiba-sensei’s pen.
“What about catching a movie then, senpai?”
“A
movie?”
And so I regained a bit of initiative by directing the both of us to Cinema ***shine.
Staying true to its reputation for variety, the cinema’s walls were crammed with posters advertising not only the latest triple-A Hollywood blockbusters, but also those that might appeal to otaku as well.
If there’s a place that might simultaneously satisfy Utaha-senpai’s rabid curiosity and maybe allow us both to have a good time, this is it.
“Hmm
I guess this place will do.”
After giving all the posters a brief glance, senpai gave a cryptic validation of my intuition.
“So it’s decided then! What movie shall we watch? Allow me to recommend the most recent-”
“I was thinking something more along the lines of a disaster movie with adequate amounts of screaming and gore
 surely they have those here?”
“
That’s just sick, senpai.”
I’m a bit worried about the nature of this “curiosity” senpai’s trying to satisfy.
*          *          *
“
”
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Nothing here.”
“But we searched everywhere in a 200-meter radius!”
“There’s thousands of people in this area.”
“Yeah, but Tomoya shouldn’t be this difficult to find
”
“Hmm? Why’s that?”
“Well, he has kind of an
otaku aura?”
“He’s still stands out way less than you though.”
“Shut up.”
“Anyway, I forgot to ask earlier, but how’d you find them in the first place? And in Ikebukuro of all places?”
“H-Huh? Oh, err, it was by pure coincidence. Really.”
“Oh I see. Say, the last time we met at Rokutenba Mall was pure coincidence too, right?”5
“I really hate sharp girls like you.”
“Eh?”
“W-What? It’s a coincidence if I say it is, alright!?”
“Isn’t that Aki-kun and Kasumigaoka-senpai over there?”
“What? Where? Where?”
“At the entrance of the cinema, see? About ten people back in the queue
”
“Oh! I see them. Wow, you’re pretty good, Megumi. I like how you always sneak into position while tricking your enemies into dropping their guard.”
“I wish you wouldn’t describe me like that, Eriri.”
*          *          *
“While the animation and delivery were passable, what struck me most were the egregious redundancies in the plot.”
“Oh? I thought the new character was really cute though.”
“That’s merely adequate character design. She was there only to briefly set up the backstory – a foil who unwittingly undid the reputation of the far superior TV adaptation.”
“Don’t you think that last scene was pretty epic?”
“And that’s because of production. It was a shoddy attempt to mask the banality of the ending by employing almost vulgarquantities of special effects and musical accompaniment.”
“Why can’t we just focus on the great characters and production instead of pointing out all the flaws in the script?”
“Because undiscerning viewers like you are corrupting producers.”
“I’m just a mindless cash cow, after all.”
“And also my director, Ethics-kun.”
“
Oh, right.”
It was already past four by the time 「Snow Prism –the movie–」 ended, and it was at an outlet of Tsubaki** Coffee that we found ourselves in deep discussion.6 It had taken considerable effort to find a table amongst the weekend crowd.
Despite senpai’s considerable desire to watch a real-life disaster movie, I somehow managed to dragoon her into watching one I had been wanting to catch for quite some time.
I should have been more prepared for the caustic inquisition that came after, though.
“You must have the acuity and courage to criticize, Ethics-kun.”
“
Courage?”
“Even if it comes to my work.”
“You won’t be angry if I do?”
“Of course not. Should anything be more important than pleasing our users?”
“I
guess not?”
“Oh, I’ll sulk about it of course. But I won’t say anything to you for a month. In fact, if what you say doesn’t make any sense, I might not say anything to you ever again.”
“On second thought, I don’t think I’ll take you up on your offer, Utaha-senpai!”
At least now it feels like we’re on a proper da- I mean, shopping trip.
We haven’t had a single proper conversation all day, but acting closer to being the smartphone-toting and socially-awkward younger generation the media loves ranting about.
“But things should have settled down over there by now. Let’s go.”
I was just thinking about how nicely the day was finally going when Utaha-senpai stood up and headed for the register.
“Ah, senpai! Let me handle the bi-”
“Oh, no need to keep up appearances, Ethics-kun. Coming here wasn’t part of your plan, was it?”
“
Sorry.”
Indeed, I had originally planned to have tea at Café de CR*E, St**bucks or Dou**r Coffee after the movie.7
I guess she noticed me freezing up when it was time to order.
But what’s with coffee at a 1000 yen a cup anyway? That’s more expensive than lunch was!
“I guess we’re just in different tax brackets, Ethics-kun.”
But having said that, Utaha-senpai was clearly not yet prepared to bring our rendezvous to an end. As she spoke to me, I noticed that her expression was not so different from the one she had on when absorbed in her book earlier.
While I was reassured by senpai’s unusually pleasant mood, for some reason my mind returned to something she said that I had overlooked earlier.
“Things should have settled down over there by now
”
Where exactly was “over there”?
*          *          *
“Waaaaaaah
”
“Are you alright?”
“
Yeah
I
I think so. Sorry, I just couldn’t control myself.”
“Oh, it’s okay, Eriri. I was just thinking about how you’re really sensitive to these kinds of things.”
“I
I never thought they’d actually do Mariko’s end
”
“Oh
 so you can look at it way too.”
“Doesn’t it just feel so right that he chose to forget Ui and move on? Now he only has Mariko, who’s been by his side all this time!”
“I
guess?”
“I’m so glad that I didn’t give up hope after the TV series ended
”
“That’s nice, Eriri, but what about Aki-kun and Kasumigaoka-senpai? I think they left some time ago
”
“But 「Snow Prism」, Megumi! 「Snow Prism」!”
“Sigh
 Yes, Eriri, I love childhood friends too.”
*          *          *
Deadpan’s Wonderland:
1Ryotaro Shiba (1923-1996), historical author.
2JUNKUDO bookstore, opening hours: Monday-Saturday 1000-2300, Sunday and Public Holidays 1000-2200.
3Shakey’s Pizza. It’s a block away from the station.
4Cinema Sunshine in Sunshine City. Another place on the otaku bucket list.
5See Volume 2.
6Tsubakiya Coffee. Coffee: A beverage second only to Dr Pepper, the intellectual drink for the chosen ones.
7Cafe de CRIE, Starbucks and Doutor Coffee respectively. sakai would rather cut off an arm than pay 1000 yen for a cup of coffee
deadpan doesn’t have any arms to cut.
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