Chapter 36

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<h6 class="has-text-align-center wp-block-heading">Content warning: overdose</h6>\nPast\nDu Jing smoothed out the photograph and tucked it back in his wallet. “Back then, my dad came to Madrid with my mom. He agreed to let her remarry on the condition that he could see my stepfather for himself.”\n

“They hadn’t gotten a divorce yet?”\n

“No,” Du Jing said. “He went back on his promise soon after they arrived. He pitched a huge fit at my stepfather’s house, intent on bringing everyone down with him. In the end, they sent him away.”\n

“Were you there?”\n

“Of course,” Du Jing said absent-mindedly. “We came to Madrid as a family.”\n

Zhou Luoyang regarded him quietly. \n

He didn’t know what kind of trauma Du Jing might be left with after witnessing that. His parents had been on the brink of divorce, and yet his father had gone to Europe with his wife and brought their child in tow.\n

“Did he return to China after that?” Zhou Luoyang asked.\n

“No,” Du Jing said. “They sent him to a psychiatric hospital. Three days later, my stepfather and mother held their wedding at the church next to the hospital. That was the church we just passed. The hospital has since been demolished and relocated to Granada.”\n

“What did he do?”\n

By now, he was very comfortable talking to Du Jing about his past. Maybe if he were anyone else, he would tread carefully in order to avoid bringing up sensitive topics. But Zhou Luoyang knew that between the two of them, they didn’t need to be so apprehensive.\n

“He was a poet,” Du Jing answered. “I visited him later on. His bipolar disorder was misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. My mother’s affair had exacerbated his disorder. Of course, it wasn’t her fault. He didn’t want to get a divorce…he drank heavily and hit her. Every time they took me to the hospital to visit him, I would see his walls covered in his writing, and him, pacing back and forth.”\n

“That sounds kind of creepy. What did he write in those poems?”\n

“Chinese. An unintelligible load of crap,” Du Jing said. “I couldn’t make sense of any of it. He really was a loon.\n

“He wanted to die, but they wouldn’t let him kill himself, and they wouldn’t let him out. He would scribble his poems all over the walls and then look at me and grin.\n

“It wasn’t a kind smile, or a happy one. He told me that his room would be reserved for me in the future, and I would have to be sure to go live there. That who he was at present was precisely who I would one day become. That we were actually the same person.”\n

Zhou Luoyang listened quietly.\n

“It’s…hard to describe what kind of effect that had on me as a six-year-old child. That’s why I don’t like to smile. They all said I looked like him, and I realized it too. Crazy people’s smiles must be very terrifying.”\n

Zhou Luoyang covered Du Jing’s hand with his own and gave it a gentle squeeze.\n

Du Jing hesitated for a moment before continuing. “He died later, right out of the blue. It was a very peaceful death. After they took care of his body, I went to go see his hospital room and saw that they were repainting the walls.”\n

“I won’t let you be taken away to a place like that,” Zhou Luoyang vowed. “No matter what happens.”\n

“Good. If anyone comes after me, please let me hide in your house. Put me in your basement, hang a chain around my neck, and bring me food and water every day. That’s all I need. If anyone asks, just say you have a violent-tempered dog in your basement. I’d have more dignity as your dog than as a resident of a mental hospital. This is my last wish.”\n

Zhou Luoyang patted Du Jing’s head, smiling. “I’ll take good care of you. I promise no one will find out until you die of natural causes.”\n

“Promise?” Du Jing asked mindlessly.\n

“Promise,” Zhou Luoyang echoed. “I won’t ever forget.”\n

Du Jing looped his arms around Zhou Luoyang’s waist, letting him recline into his embrace as they listened to the pattering rain. Internally, Zhou Luoyang heaved a rueful sigh. He knew his promise was a weak one, but no matter what he promised, Du Jing always believed it wholeheartedly. Or maybe it was that Du Jing would convince himself to believe it as long as he hadn’t yet been cast aside.\n

But how long could one person look after another person? He once thought his father courageous for insisting on marrying that Japanese woman, even if it meant falling out with his grandfather and breaking his mother’s heart. He believed that his father had finally found true love after remarrying. But as he observed him, he realized, with surprise:\n

They didn’t seem to have anything special. \n

He couldn’t perceive any deep love between his father and stepmother. In their Tokyo home, they barely spoke to one another all day. His father left early in the mornings and returned late at night—often not until two in the morning. They were worse off than his previous family.\n

After a stretch of silence, Du Jing suddenly spoke. “Even though I know full well that you don’t really mean it, I’m still so happy right now. I’m not sure whose boyfriend you’ll be one day, but I’m certain your future girlfriend will love you very much.”\n

Zhou Luoyang laughed and grabbed at the hand Du Jing had stretched out to stroke his cheek. “Hey, don’t fool around. Your thoughts are heading into dangerous territory.”\n

In the dorms, Zhou Luoyang and Du Jing spent all day and all night in each other’s company, and by now they were used to cracking the occasional harmless joke. And yet, for the first time, he could feel that Du Jing was having a reaction to a man.\n

He knew that Du Jing’s hormones were in hyperdrive—this was decided upon by his disorder. Mania caused a hormonal imbalance in the body, and frequent skin-to-skin contact—even between people of the same gender—could evoke a reaction.\n

But they usually didn’t discuss sexuality, and it was rare for Du Jing to get himself off or watch adult films.\n

“Sorry,” Du Jing hurried to apologize. “I don’t mean it like that.”\n

Zhou Luoyang patted Du Jing’s head, and Du Jing continued to hold him, staring tranquilly out at the rain.\n

“Honestly, I don’t particularly aspire to marriage or a family. Maybe that’s because of my own family,” Zhou Luoyang mused.\n

“But you’ll still date. It really makes me ache to think of the girl who’ll be your partner, and how you’ll devote all your time to her, and how, with a personality like yours, you’re sure to take good care of her, and to love her.”\n

“I’m not looking for a relationship yet. I think…hm, I like the way things are now,” Zhou Luoyang said quietly.\n

“Of course, she might get jealous of me. She might think you’re better to me than even to her,” Du Jing continued.\n

“It’s not the same.” Zhou Luoyang felt the need to assuage Du Jing’s worries, so after some thought, he said, “I don’t really want a relationship before I graduate. Maybe after.”\n

But Du Jing told him, “You should date if you want to. You don’t need to worry about my feelings; I’m very happy now just knowing you. You know I never talk about these sorts of things with people, and I’m not good at expressing my emotions.”\n

“I know.” Zhou Luoyang nodded. He knew that Du Jing was afraid of losing him, because Du Jing had chosen never to get married. Once Zhou Luoyang got a girlfriend, Du Jing would be well and truly alone.\n

“I want to kiss you. I don’t mean anything by it,” Du Jing finally said.\n

Zhou Luoyang had noticed that in Du Jing’s home, whenever his stepfather received a guest, even a male guest, he would always freely and candidly greet them with a kiss.\n

Without waiting for permission, Du Jing pressed a kiss to the rim of his ear.\n

After the rain stopped, Du Jing returned to the side of the road and attempted to start up his car. He was back to normal.\n

That conversation ended up being Zhou Luoyang’s most vivid memory of Europe. The entire trip after that was sweltering, and they didn’t stay for long. They returned to China after only ten days in Europe.\n

Suddenly, Zhou Luoyang wondered if Du Jing would be the one to find a partner. Even though he insisted he wouldn’t get married, there was no denying that he needed a family and the loving warmth it would bring. Because he lacked that, he was prone to infatuation.\n

As long as his partner understood his circumstances completely and was willing to keep him company, his disorder would be no obstacle. Du Jing was very likeable. He was a very sure-footed and responsible man with great character.\n

But what caught Zhou Luoyang off guard was the fact that his hunch would actually come true so soon.\n

At the beginning of their sophomore year, someone confessed to Du Jing: a male underclassman. But that was a whole other story.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nCovered in sweat, Zhou Luoyang removed his earbuds. He knocked on the door and let himself inside to check up on Du Jing. \n

Du Jing was lying silently on the bed. There was an empty pill bottle on the bedside table.\n

The color drained from Zhou Luoyang’s face. He rushed forward to look at the empty bottle. With a trembling voice, he called out to him. “Du Jing! Du Jing!”\n

No response. Du Jing only stared silently at the ceiling.\n

“Du Jing!” Zhou Luoyang shook him, \n

He slipped his arms around Du Jing’s waist and pressed his head to his chest, listening for his heartbeat. “What did you take, Du Jing? Du Jing, please, answer me!”\n

Still he didn’t say anything. Zhou Luoyang’s hands shook so badly he couldn’t grab hold of the bottle.\n

He tried to force himself to be calm. He had to be calm. He finally managed to make out the label on the bottle three full seconds later—it was the antidepressant Du Jing took regularly. He didn’t know what would happen if so much of it was taken at once or if Du Jing would need to have his stomach pumped, but he did know that his top priority right now was getting Du Jing to the hospital as quickly as possible.\n

“What’s his doctor’s phone number?” Shaking, Zhou Luoyang searched Du Jing’s bag. Suddenly, a problem occurred to him. He’d always thought he understood Du Jing well enough, but only once something serious really happened did he realize that he knew practically nothing about Du Jing’s condition.\n

He didn’t know which hospital Du Jing started going to upon returning to China, nor did he know his doctor’s phone number. He didn’t even know the state or severity of his disorder now.\n

Zhou Luoyang gradually calmed down and said quietly, but with urgency, “Du Jing, it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay…Let me find your doctor…”\n

He finally came across a phone number stored in Du Jing’s wallet—but it was his own.\n

He knelt quietly by the bed, clutching Du Jing’s hand, and dialed Fang Zhou’s number to ask if his uncle knew any psychiatrists in Wan City. Fortunately, Fang Zhou didn’t pry, and only said, “I’ll ask him. Is it urgent?”\n

“Very urgent,” Zhou Luoyang confirmed.\n

“Don’t hang up.”\n

Zhou Luoyang buried his face in Du Jing’s palm and prayed with all his heart. He could hear rapid typing from the other end of the phone, and a moment later, Fang Zhou said, “I sent you the address. It’s right next to your apartment.”\n

“I moved.” Zhou Luoyang checked his WeChat messages; it wasn’t far away. “Can they do a house call?”\n

Short of calling an ambulance, there was no other way he could get Du Jing to the hospital.\n

“I’ll ask.” Fang Zhou was silent for a moment. “They can. Send over your address. They can be there in twenty minutes if there’s no traffic. Do you need me to come?”\n

“It’s okay,” Zhou Luoyang said. “If anything comes up, I’ll give you a call.”\n

It felt like a century had passed in the twenty minutes he spent waiting for the psychiatrist to arrive. Zhou Luoyang climbed into the bed and pulled Du Jing into his arms. Du Jing still didn’t speak or move. Only the slow rising and falling of his chest as he breathed assured Zhou Luoyang that he was still alive.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThe doorbell rang. The psychiatrist was finally here.\n

Zhou Luoyang’s savior had finally arrived. He hovered anxiously as the psychiatrist first checked Du Jing’s pupils, then the pill bottle. He seemed to be very accustomed to such situations. “Do you have his medical records?”\n

“I’ll look for it. I don’t know how many pills he took at once,” Zhou Luoyang said.\n

He found Du Jing’s papers and handed them to the psychiatrist, who looked them over and surmised, “He’s having an episode.”\n

“Do we need to have his stomach pumped?” Zhou Luoyang asked.\n

“It’d be best to take him to the hospital. I can call an ambulance.”\n

“What hospital do you work at?” Zhou Luoyang asked. “Is it the psychiatric hospital? I’m sorry, I don’t know…”\n

“Seventh Hospital. He’s my patient,” the doctor answered.\n

Zhou Luoyang nearly wept. He shut his eyes. “Thank heavens. What a lucky coincidence.”\n

“He has closed himself off as a result of his depressive episode,” the doctor explained. “We’ll switch his medication and give him an intravenous infusion. What’s your relationship with the patient?”\n

Zhou Luoyang didn’t even think before he blurted out, “We’re family. I might have accidentally said something triggering to him today.”\n

The psychiatrist made a quick phone call and then turned back to him. “We’ll keep an eye on him for now.”\n

“Will he get better?” Zhou Luoyang asked, though it practically came out as a plea.\n

“I can’t give a definitive answer right now, but if everything proceeds smoothly tonight, he should be fine. You must stay with him from now on.”\n

Zhou Luoyang knew that doctors were just like lawyers in that neither would give him a conclusive answer. But this psychiatrist was probably telling him not to worry.\n

“Come on, let’s pick him up.” The middle-aged psychiatrist was very steadfast. “There shouldn’t have been many pills left in the bottle. If he’s been taking them every day, he shouldn’t need gastric irrigation. Has he been taking them every day?”\n

“I’m not sure. He told me that he was.”\n

Zhou Luoyang hadn’t even checked to see if Du Jing was taking his medication on time every day. He’d asked Du Jing about it multiple times, but Du Jing always assured him that he was.\n

“That won’t do.” The middle-aged doctor enlisted Zhou Luoyang’s help in carrying Du Jing, and began to lecture him.\n

“We have a wheelchair!” Zhou Luoyang said.\n

“You have to monitor him…This kid’s pretty heavy.”\n

Zhou Luoyang hefted Du Jing up by the arm and settled him into the wheelchair. The ambulance soon arrived and brought them to the hospital. Throughout the journey, the doctor never paused his lesson on how to care for a loved one with depression.\n

“Why would he suddenly take so many pills?” Zhou Luoyang asked the doctor once Du Jing had been given a sedative and fallen asleep.\n

“You must apply his logic in order to understand,” the doctor explained.\n

“He could tell he was entering a depressive episode. In order not to let you find out, he attempted to suppress it by ingesting all of his remaining medication. In his mind at the time, medication directly equated treatment, and ingesting an excess of medication equated instantaneously subduing his episode. Then, in order to cope with that duration of time, he shut himself off from the outside world.”\n

“Really? I see…That’s a bit of a relief…So this wasn’t a sudden suicide attempt, was it?”\n

The doctor looked as if he wanted to ask what had happened between Zhou Luoyang and Du Jing, but he held his tongue.\n

“Partners and relatives,” the doctor said, “must have ample patience when interacting with people with bipolar disorder.”\n

The doctor repeated what Fang Zhou’s uncle once told Zhou Luoyang. It seemed that they, too, understood the pain that family members went through. But by now, Zhou Luoyang could no longer process any of what he was hearing.\n

He clutched Du Jing’s hand the entire time and gazed at his closed eyes, at his handsome face. His scar was exceptionally eye-catching in the gentle lighting of the hospital room, and it multiplied Zhou Luoyang’s grief manyfold.\n

After the doctor left, Zhou Luoyang whispered, “Du Jing, I’m sorry. What I said to you, I was only…”\n

“I know.” Du Jing finally spoke for the first time, eyes still shut. He gently settled his hand on the top of Zhou Luoyang’s head. Quietly, he said, “I feel the exact same.”\n

Zhou Luoyang finally released the breath he had been holding.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThat night, Du Jing regained lucidity. The doctor didn’t reprimand him; instead, he wrote him a new prescription. Zhou Luoyang didn’t say anything like “You can’t do this again in the future” either, because he knew that Du Jing didn’t mean to hurt him in the first place.\n

“I’m sorry,” Du Jing suddenly said that evening, when they reached the door to their apartment.\n

“Don’t say that.” Zhou Luoyang forced a smile and let go of Du Jing’s hand. He could walk on his own now, but he was still experiencing vertigo from the overdose. The doctor had said that he would be able to gradually recover after some rest.\n

Zhou Luoyang opened the door. As he stepped inside, he was surprised to find that Leyao was already home!\n

“Leyao?” In the chaos that went down the day before, they had left the apartment in a mess.\n

“Where did you go?” Leyao asked, mystified. “I thought you guys went out to have fun. Have you had dinner yet?”\n

Du Jing braced himself against the shoe rack to steady himself. He was still dizzy.\n

Zhou Luoyang helped Du Jing sit down and changed him into slippers. Leyao looked with confusion at the bandage on the back of Du Jing’s hand, which had been placed there after his IV was removed.\n

“We haven’t,” Zhou Luoyang responded. “Why are you back so soon? You didn’t tell me you’d be home early.”\n

Leyao smiled. “We didn’t expect it to get so cold. Everyone decided to hang out at Aaron’s house, but I didn’t want to, so I came home instead.” \n

He wheeled himself into the kitchen. “I’ll make dinner.”\n

Du Jing sat down in the foyer, staring mutely into space. Zhou Luoyang ushered him inside to rest. In their bedroom, Du Jing suddenly remarked, “Leyao was in here.”\n

“He thought we were home,” Zhou Luoyang replied. “Do you want to take a shower?”\n

Du Jing shook his head and sat down at the edge of the bed, his eyes glued to his watch. He’d developed the habit of taking it off and keeping it on the bedside table when it wasn’t a workday.\n

He contemplated for a long moment. At last, he silently stowed the watch in the drawer of the bedside table and locked it.\n

Zhou Luoyang’s stomach growled. He was hungry and tired and ready to collapse, and he didn’t pause to consider the implications behind Du Jing’s words. Starting the next day, a gloomy atmosphere settled over the apartment—Du Jing refused to eat or speak, and he spent all day sitting blankly on the couch.\n

Leyao was a bit shaken by it, but he was afraid to say anything and continued to pretend as if nothing was wrong.\n

Zhou Luoyang reassured his little brother. “It’s alright. Du Jing just doesn’t feel very well. Just give him some space and let him be alone.”\n

“He’ll be okay, won’t he?” Leyao asked his older brother. It seemed he could guess what had occurred that night.\n

Du Jing’s depression had hit more severely this time than any previous time. Zhou Luoyang advised Leyao, “Just pretend he isn’t here, and don’t try to make conversation with him. Otherwise he’ll feel obligated to answer you, and it’ll only tire him out.”\n

Leyao nodded. “But we can’t just let him continue not eating or drinking, right?”\n

If this continues for much longer, there’ll be no choice but to take Du Jing to get an IV, Zhou Luoyang thought, but he decided to give it a shot first.\n

“Is it okay if you sit here?” He slid an armchair over, turning it so it faced the windows. On the other side of the glass was an azure sky—a beautiful view that rarely graced Wan City. He led Du Jing to the armchair. There was a round end table right next to it, and Zhou Luoyang set a bowl of sweet oatmeal he’d whipped up on it, next to Du Jing’s hand.\n

Du Jing nodded. “Thank you, Luoyang. I love you.”\n

When Du Jing spoke, Zhou Luoyang could hardly hold back his tears. He knew that it took every ounce of Du Jing’s strength to reply to him in his current state. He knew how hard it was for Du Jing to manage that while experiencing a depressive episode.\n

Throughout the next two days, Zhou Luoyang and Leyao carried on chatting and living as usual, while Du Jing remained in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, like a statue. The brothers didn’t go out of their way to engage him in conversation. This lasted until the day before the break ended, and Leyao was getting ready to leave for school.\n

Du Jing had been improving, and that day he was drinking milk at the dining table. He looked at Leyao and said, “See you next week.”\n

“See you next week,” Leyao returned with a smile.\n

Zhou Luoyang called a cab, since he figured Du Jing wouldn’t be able to drive, and walked Leyao downstairs\n

“You’d better head back soon,” Leyao said, worried.\n

Zhou Luoyang nodded and grinned. “You’ve grown up.”\n

Leyao opened his mouth, then closed it again. At last, he ventured, “I…Should I take a couple days off? You’ll have too much on your plate on your own.”\n

“No, don’t. I can take care of things here,” Zhou Luoyang quickly reassured him.\n

Leyao sighed. Naturally, Zhou Luoyang knew what he must be thinking—that it was hard enough for him to send off one patient, when another one appeared in their home. Leyao simply felt for his brother and worried that he would run himself ragged.\n

“It’s alright,” Zhou Luoyang said. “This is a very blissful responsibility. I’m more than happy to look after you two.”\n

“Then I’ll see you next next week,” Leyao replied. “You’re going to the Sotheby’s auction, and you also have to head to the store, don’t you?”\n

Zhou Luoyang was finally reminded that he had an antique store.\n

“I’ll work hard,” he said, pressing his hand to his forehead. “You should do your best too.”\n

“You’re just like the sun,” said Leyao. “Gege, you’re too warm.”\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nAfter seeing off his little brother, Zhou Luoyang went back inside and looked around.\n

At last, Du Jing made it through the most grueling stretch. This time, the onset had arrived like a punch to the face, more unforgiving than the time in Hangzhou. But his unshakeable willpower had supported him through it nevertheless. Now he was sitting at the dining table on the computer, and Zhou Luoyang wondered if he was already making preparations for work, since he had to go back to work the next day.\n

Yet as he got closer, he realized that Du Jing was looking at old pictures of the two of them, from back when they used to live together.\n

“Where did you find these?” he asked uneasily.\n

“You kept them,” Du Jing said.\n

“Of course.” Zhou Luoyang sat down next to him. “That was the happiest time of my life.”\n

“Really?”\n

Zhou Luoyang smiled. “Really.”\n

They’d taken pictures at a ton of different places. Du Jing hadn’t liked to have his picture taken because of the scar on his face, but Zhou Luoyang really wanted to keep snapshots of the past—of them in their dorm room, after class, on the streets, at exhibits, and on vacation.\n

After Du Jing left without any warning, Zhou Luoyang had chosen to file all of them away to gather dust and even password-locked the folder they were stored in, but Du Jing had gotten past the password with hardly any effort at all.\n

Neither of them mentioned the password. Zhou Luoyang went back to the foyer, where he settled down on a stool and began cleaning Du Jing’s leather shoes for work.\n

“Are you done looking at them?” he asked.\n

“You took so many,” Du Jing said.\n

“Shouldn’t you take a shower?”\n

Du Jing’s hair was a rat’s nest, though it didn’t look greasy. But he’d already gone three days without a shower since returning from the hospital.\n

“I don’t want to move,” he said.\n

“You’ve got work tomorrow, and you can’t show up at the office looking like that. I have to go to the shop in a bit. Why don’t we go together? You can get some fresh air.”\n

Du Jing didn’t answer him. Zhou Luoyang pulled him up and pushed him in the direction of the bathroom. “Go. Shower. Go shower.”\n

This time, Du Jing was very compliant. Standing barefoot on the ceramic tile, he began to take off his clothes. Zhou Luoyang followed him inside.\n

In the past, whenever Du Jing was depressed and Zhou Luoyang told him to shower, he would stand under the water and just let it drench him, sometimes staying there motionless for up to two hours.\n

Zhou Luoyang turned on both showerheads, shed his own clothes, and joined Du Jing in the hot water and the rising steam.\n

“I’m fine,” Du Jing said intently. His head was lowered slightly, and he was watching Zhou Luoyang.\n

Zhou Luoyang smiled at him. “I know.”\n

They faced each other openly and frankly. Du Jing surveyed Zhou Luoyang’s body, but Zhou Luoyang wasn’t uncomfortable. He let him look.\n

“Boss, could you lift up your arms really quickly?” \n

Du Jing raised his arms to shoulder height and propped them up on the wooden shelf on one side of the bathroom, revealing a flawless set of abs, a perfect waistline, and the tense outline of the muscles on his chest. Zhou Luoyang put on a pair of bath gloves, pumped some shower gel onto them, and scrubbed Du Jing’s chest and stomach for him.\n

“You have a very nice body.” Zhou Luoyang looked up and met Du Jing’s eyes. He teased, “You look like one of Rodin’s sculptures. Want to get in front of the camera, boss? I guarantee you’ll win most popular actor as soon as you shuck off your clothes.”\n

Du Jing didn’t say anything. He continued to gaze quietly at Zhou Luoyang. His wet hair hung over his eyes, making him seem a bit dopey, like a faithful Old English Sheepdog.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. Edited by opal.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nsorry everyone for the wait! some of you may be aware that i lost power and internet for a while. the next chapter will probably go up next weekend, back on my regular schedule (:\n

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